Spare pair of undies? Anyone?

I planned on cheating again. But this time it was for the good.
I decided I wanted to give my weight loss initiatives a boost with supplements.

Being the studious journalist I am, I began researching my options.

Everybody knows diet pills and the like are unsafe, ineffective and a rip-off. I, however, believing in second chances - even for mass manufactured, money grubbing, shame making pills, powders and liquids that lie their deceiving way into your medicine cabinet - decided to inquire.

I thought maybe they’ve changed since the last time I’d thought about using them. I’ve thought about ex-boyfriends the same way and been similarly disappointed.

My research ended in my near vomiting – which also happens to be an effective,
but unhealthy and kinda gross diet option.

I’ve now created a new rule: If the list of side effects of a "medicine" is longer than the list of benefits – I’m not taking it, or probably not, unless the benefit is really, really amazing – like plastic surgery, or those fat band stomach - shrinker things.

I found that a vast majority of weight loss supplements come with side affects such as:
-Increased heart rate (I had thought that was generally good.)
-Increased blood pressure (That comes with the heart rate thing, right?)
-Sweating (Like I need to do that more. Have you ever seen me on a hot day??)
-Constipation (Isn’t that counterproductive?)
-Insomnia (inability to sleep or stay asleep) – Their parentheses – not mine. If you have to explain insomnia, why use the word? Maybe us diet pill people aren’t very smart.
-Excessive thirst (I’m always excessively thirsty on Fridays; will that extend to other days?)
-Lightheadedness and drowsiness (Not just at work? Or as in maybe I shouldn’t be driving? I’m not losing weight to stay home for Pete’s sake.)
-Stuffy nose (Also common with the cocaine diet.)
-Headache (Probably from trying to quench the excessive thirst.)
-Anxiety (See cocaine diet above.)
-Dry mouth (Common with another popular anti-diet drug, which makes you want to eat even more.)

This next one, however, is what really stopped me in my tracks: “In extreme cases, they can’t control their bowels — they’ll leak all over their pants,” says Caroline Cederquist, M.D.
As if I don’t have enough problems. Having my bowels leaking all over my pants really does not need to be put on the list.

I wonder if people taking these medications carry around extra undies? Wear adult diapers? — Wait, I take it back, I DON’T want to know.

I can just imagine sitting at my desk at work and suddenly "leaking" all over my pants. “Excuse me guys, I just leaked my bowels all over my pants,” I say while covering my butt and running to the bathroom, where, God help me, I have a change of cloths.
Of course, I’d then have to quit my job in shame, in the unlikely case that I wasn’t fired.

Perhaps it’s needless to say, but I’ll be losing my weight the old fashioned way — diet and exercise and I’ll skip the ritual burning of the bowel covered clothes in the dumpster out back — thankyouverymuch.

Photo courtesy Palm Beech Post