Maybe I need Brain Surgery

Most overweight people are open to trying pretty much anything to lose weight. Diet pills, cardboard food, diet liquids, torturous exercise, starvation, laxatives, drinking 80 gallons of water a day, a humiliating blog - you name it - we'll do most anything to lose weight.

I think I've finally found something I won't try, well, probably not.

Brain surgery. Yep. Doctors are now probing the brains of fat phattys and controlling their impulse to eat.

Neurosurgeons drill about 10 centimeters into a brain, on both hemispheres and once they find the "food center" they implant electrodes connected to wires and install two pacemaker-type devices are implanted into your chest to control the amount of voltage that is sent to your brain.


It's called deep brain stimulation by doctors. It's called freaky weird by me.

With the surgery, electricity is introduced to specific parts of the brain that are believed to control specific behaviors, such as feelings of hunger and satisfaction.

To test that the electrodes are in the right spot the doctors are able to make the patient hot, cold, happy, sad, thirsty, nauseous and pretty much any combination of feelings they want.

"They knew exactly every pinpoint," one patient said. "It was like they knew my body. They knew how my body was reacting to everything, and they knew what to do to make it back where it should be."

Once they get a successful response in the food part of the brain doctors implant a permanent generator, and the patient has this constant electrical current to that part of the brain and you just don't want to eat anything that's bad for you ever again.

I don't know about you, but I'm a pretty big believer in the idea that we should control our own brains. The scariest part of this whole experiment is that I'm wondering how bad could it really be?

Yet, despite my failures, I believe we are capable of learning. Take me for example - I've been married twice - won't do it again. My brain learned its lesson. See? My brain is capable of learning. One day it will learn to control food intake and figure out a dozen milk chocolate macadamia nut cookies for one person is Bad, Bad, Bad.

Besides, how do we know that the brain of the woman that had the surgery isn't going to start loving wheat germ now? It's just not worth the risk.

Fives reasons for five pounds

I've been avoiding you.

I don't want to tell you that I've gained back the five pounds I lost.

Somehow I fell off the wagon. This is what happened:

Last week my daughter and I made chocolate chip cookies and zucchini bread. I ate ample amounts of both.

I've been walking less - for which I have dozens of excuses. Here are the five main ones.

1: The weather. It's been colder and rainier. I haven't pulled out my warm weather clothes yet, so I can't walk.

2: Back to school. My daughter going back to school has thrown a wrench into my schedule. I was waking up early and walking on the treadmill before work, but now, with my daughter back in school I have to wake up even earlier to get my walking in, and well, it's hard. I like sleep.

3: I went to a wedding. Weddings are good excuses to overeat. There was a cheesecake bar (Damn that cheesecake bar!)

4: Work. Last week I had things to do that required early mornings and late nights. I was very busy and ate on the fly and twice I didn't have dinner until 10 p.m. I wouldn't have eaten at all that late except that I was really hungry. Once, during a late night meeting my stomach was growling so loudly the person sitting next me actually got hungry. When fat people's stomachs growl it's not cute. It's just embarrassing.

5: Progress. I haven't made any. It's really hard to continue to try and eat right and exercise when nothing is happening.

Yesterday my daughter and I went walking in downtown Detroit. It would have been a good outing except for the fact that we made two stops. 1: Vincente's Cuban Cuisine. Yum. We ate beef empanadas (deep fried) and Papas Rellenas - they're breaded potato balls with meat inside (deep fried).

We then continued on our walk and found ourselves in Greektown, right outside of - 2: Astoria Pastry Shop. I think the Astoria Pastry Shop is what my heaven looks like. 

One chocolate covered macaroon later and we found our way down to the Riverwalk, where let's face it, I was too full to get any real walking done.

I've determined that, now that I'm over age 20 (a while now), for each granule of sugar I eat I need to walk one mile. I'm going to try and do better at applying that equation to my daily life; and I'll try not to avoid you so much.

Cheesecake Dreams

I went to a wedding last night. It's usually pretty hard for me to get all gushy about weddings - having been in two failed ones myself.

I've got high hopes for this wedding though; I fully intend on being invited to the 50 year anniversary, even if I am wheeled in there with an oxygen tank and my own paramedic (maybe I'll be skinny by then?)

When I looked at my photos of the night I realized I didn't have any of the bride and groom, the beautiful surroundings, the hilarious line dancing, or any even of my friends I sat with.

No, what I had a picture of was cheesecake.

In my defense, if there can be one, the cheesecake was really good - they had a cheesecake bar! A cheesecake bar! - That's what I said as I trampled down three unsuspecting guests in front of me - Sorry Grandma!

The fact that I had to wear my sister-in-laws dress, which should have been two sizes too big for me, but wasn't, should have been enough to stop me from even looking at that table. As any weight-struggling chubby girl knows - sometimes even looking at food can cause weight gain.

It's amazing that I was even able to run since the damn girdle (I know, whatever) I was wearing kept causing my pantyhose to slip down to my knees. I didn't realize my hose were down there until they impeded my walking.

Yeah, I'm a real class act. I spent the entire night pulling those damn things up. Come to think of it, I bet it was a real sight for any onlookers. (Note to self: Check YouTube for embarrassing video.)

It was worth it though. Good times, good friends, good food - of course.

I hope they found Grandma under the cheesecake table. Maybe I should call someone??

Bliss. Of the Wedded variety?

Today we're celebrating my co-worker Angie's wedding. Yay for Angie and David, who will be married Saturday.

These doughnuts are the beginning of the many tasty treats we'll have today.

If I can resist these delicious little circles of love all day today I will be my own hero.

I'm told, however, there is triple chocolate cheesecake being added to the table shortly. That doesn't bode well for me. I hope nobody gets hurt.