Chocolate Conniption

I'm several days into the stupid diet and it isn’t funny ha-ha anymore.

While sitting at my desk, pretending, for the umpteenth hour to work, all I have thought about is chocolate.

While writing a news story about possible “consolidation” I accidentally typed “chocolate” — What the hell?

There is a vending machine in the hallway that I’m finding myself way more attracted to right now than I ever did either of my former husbands.

My head is aching, my teeth are grinding and my mouth is salivating for a piece of chocolate.

I have an addictive personality; I know this and I accept it. I generally enjoy my addictions, because I just go with the flow of the urges, but not today. Today chocolate must die.

There are those who regard the concept of chocolate addiction as silly, however, studies have shown that chocolate is the most craved food in the world.

Chocolate contains the pleasure compound serotonin - i.e. an anti-depressant, which is exactly what I need right this second.

Actually, I dare anyone who doesn’t believe chocolate is addictive to come over and eat a candy bar in front of me right now. You’ll learn real quickly what it means to be an addict.

There are also studies that show chocolate-eating increases blood flow in the same portions of the brain activated by cocaine, which may be the real reason why some of my non chocolate-loving friends are so damn skinny.

Chocolate’s active ingredient is theobromine, just like the artificially sweetened caffeine drink at my elbow all day long.

Addictive personality — you think? I’m going to smoke a cigarette while you decide.

Painting with a purpose

Flying by the seat of ones pants does not work out so well when you’re as heavy as I am.

Since I’ve began my weight loss plan — without a plan — today I decided to incorporate exercise into my other routines and chores.

This morning, for example, while painting my basement wall, I did squats and lunges to reach the bottom of the wall instead of just sitting on my butt like I wanted to.

While lunging for the low corner of the wall I thought really hard about how many calories I surely must be burning, something I’m sure registered more deeply within my fat cells.

I also attempted some yoga while I brushed my teeth, but almost choked on my toothbrush during my one-handed version of “downward facing dog.”

I do not suggest yoga during teeth brushing. It was a stupid idea that nearly cost me my life. I could still be lying there dead in my basement bathroom, alone, nude, with my dog licking the water droplets from my freshly showered dead body.

Turns out I’m going to need a better plan. With a plan, however, I will likely be weighed down (pun intended) with too many restrictions — the same reason for my two failed marriages. Ouch.

I’m thinking maybe some bike-riding, or perhaps I’ll even dust off my roller blades. I could try jogging as I cut my grass. Not only would I be burning calories, I’ll be getting my chores done in half the time!

I’m thinking I’ll video myself doing whatever I decide on … you never know … I might end up with America’s Funniest Video and some fat cash (another pun). Ye Gads.

Why are cookies like pineapples?

In the south it is tradition to give a pineapple as a symbol of welcome. Here in Michigan we give cookies, cakes, doughnuts and other pastries.

After deciding yesterday to start my latest weight loss plan I went home to find a bag of homemade peanut butter cookies on my kitchen counter from my ex-mother in law. The woman has always hated me.

She picks my daughter up from school on Monday and leaves sweets at my house every time. One time she brought over an industrial-sized box of brownies. I ate them in a week.

She has left boxes of Hostess, whole cakes, the Sam's Club pack of danishes, you name it. The woman is my own personal devil.
Speaking of danishes, after eating only one of the peanut butter cookies last night (they await my arrival home tonight), I arrive at work to find - suprise! Danishes, cookies, crossiants, doughnuts and other delectables sitting directly across from my line of vision.
I am eating a danish as I write this.

My plan is simple, eat fewer sweets and exercise more.
I'm going to try harder tomorrow.

Wii will hold nothing back

(Note: I wrote this two years ago in June 2008 and haven't lost a pound since.)

I’ve been aggravated by computers plenty of times, but last week was the first time one ever insulted me.

It told me I’m an obese 47-year-old.
I didn’t know which to be more upset about, the obese comment, or the age — I’m barely into my 30’s after all and I’ve always described my figure as pleasantly plump — not obese.

My Managing Editor was shocked too. “I thought you were in your twenties,” she said.
Thanks Mavis.

The worst part is I paid for this. I bought Wii (we) Fit.

Yet, despite its superior attitude and brutal standards, I’m falling in love — just like I did with my ex-husband.

Wii is a video game console made by Nintendo. The difference with Wii, com-pared to traditional video games, is its interactive abilities.

The Wii remote uses Bluetooth technology and infrared detection to sense its position in 3D space. It allows users to control the game using physical gestures as well as button presses.
The Wii Fit is an exercise “game” for the console that comes with a balance board that users stand on, similar to a wide scale, which it also is.

When I first stepped onto the board to begin “playing” the game said, “Oh!”

My 11-year-old daughter thought that was hilarious, until it did the same thing when she stepped on. Oh!

You begin by designing your own character, a mii (me).

This may be the best part; my daughter and I made characters for everyone we could think of.

There are so many options, from dimples to head shape and body type that it’s easy to make them look just like the real person.

My character was an adorable cartoon version of me until I had to enter my height and age and step on the scale to perform a “fitness test.”

A fitness test is a series of balance exercises which results are combined with your age, height and weight.

“Oh! According to my calculations you’re obese!”

My cute little character then became quite a bit rounder and looked down at her hips and rear end in dismay … sort of like me.

“Are you ready to find out your ‘Fit Age?’” It asked enthusiastically.

Not really.

I press ‘OK’ and the anticipation builds with a drumroll before 47 comes on as big as the whole screen in flashy red lights like the sign behind Elvis in the "68 Comeback Special."

A collective sigh of dissapointment was heard from the invisible audience as if I just went bankrupt on the Wheel of Fortune.

“We’ve got some work to do!”

The game has about 40 different activities including yoga, strength training, aerobics, and balance games.

The more you workout and at certain stages, new activities are unlocked to pique interest.

You set your own goals and your “personal trainer” encourages you accordingly. At least, she’s supposed to.

Usually I hear things like, “Maybe that activity isn’t for you,” or “I’ve noticed you’re a little unstable on your right side.”

Smart bugger. I broke my foot a few years back and balance on my right side isn’t that great.

I was thinking about switching to the male trainer, but then I realized, even if I don’t like her she is motivating me.

The other day she challenged me to a sit-up competition and I won.
“Boy, you’re really good at this, I quit,” she said.

Now, I know it’s only a computer and she let me win just to build my confidence, but it did build my confidence and I want to beat her again.

That means more sit-ups. Tricky huh?

If the trainer, or unlocking new challenges isn’t enough motivation there is always family.

The game tracks what exercises, weight, time and progress other players are making and charts everyone together.

Also, when you finish an exercise you are placed by how well you did. Being in first place, or having the highest score is a never-ending battle in my family and that means more exercise.

My sister-in-law has the game too. Our conversations have taken a strange turn.

“I did Hoola-Hoop the other day, whew,” I’ll say.

“That’s nothing! she said. Wait until you unlock Super Hoola-Hoop it’s killer.”

So too the conversations with my brother.

“How old are you now? Have you gotten any younger?”

Your “fit age” goes down as you progress.

I knew I should have never told him.

The funny thing though is we’re talking about exercise and participating in exercise and hoping another game will come out so we can do even more exercise.

It’s a revolution.

I think by the end of the summer I might reach my goal and become an overweight 30-something.