Fundraiser Pizza happens

I’ve been thoroughly invested in my alternative exercise routine for several days, weeks, months?!?! all to no avail. Still no weight lost. I’ve been spending 20 to 30 sweat-heavy minutes fast walking on my treadmill several mornings a week, jog cutting my lawn, stretch painting my living room and squat gardening, but other than an increasingly nasty demeanor and creaky knees, nothing has happened.

My calorie count, I admit, has developed a mind of its own lately. I did eat some pizza the other day, but it was fundraiser pizza for a good cause and therefore doesn’t really count. Actually it’s amazing how many excuses for eating poorly I can come up with.

Celebration food, for example, is a gimme. When at parties, events and other social gatherings where food is provided it is expected that you eat whatever it is. I’m not one to disappoint and that's half the fun of the party. Cake, for example, if you don’t eat the cake at a celebration/birthday/wedding what kind of person does that make you? (other than skinny?)

The other day I went to a bar with my skinny coworker Angie and she ordered fried pickles. Granted, I did talk her into it, but I can’t help it that she could only eat half of them and virtually forced me to finish them, can I? I didn’t want to be rude, I’m trying to make friends here. Breaking bread, or in this case pickles, is how relationships are made. What was I supposed to do? Throw them out? My grandma would turn over in her grave. I come from a poor family and we just don’t waste perfectly good fried pickles, which probably helps explain the PHAT blog.

Guess who's back? My fat ass.

So ...

This is a fair representation of what I'd look like in a bathing suit.

This reminds me of a song, "So here we are again ... I guess it must be fate..."

Yeah. If I had to give advice to people who have lost weight and want to keep it off it would be to do the opposite of what I did. 

"I'll never eat like that again! I can't believe I ever did! I'm a changed person now, I'll never gain the weight back," said stupid me three years ago. 

... Well here I am four years and 20 pounds heavier (Shoves cookie down throat in despair). Slooow clap. I started noticing the gain this past year - it's been, as my mother would say, "a doozie." I confused chocolate cake with therapy, apparently. 

I don't know how it happened. ... I know exactly how it happened. A lot of reasons and one simple reason. I stopped counting calories. I thought I could self monitor and "guesstimate" the calories going into my mouth. Nope. Nada. No way, Jose. Clearly, I've been deeply underestimating my calories and my love of fresh pastries. 

Last night I sat on the couch to write with an unopened bag of Pepperidge Farm Double Chocolate Milanos. One hour later I reached into the bag and my hand went halfway down to reach the cookie - it was half empty! I had eaten at least ?? cookies without even realizing it (Grabs gut fat in disgust).

I am not proud of myself. Changes need to be made. Attention must be paid! 

This year, starting right now in the cold hard light of day, I aspire to lose about 40 pounds. Gulp. 

Help me out here: What are some of your weight-loss tricks?