McStake

I was feeling a little bit chubby and dejected after long week and a worse day including two traffic jams, when on my way home I decided to stop for some food.

Mistake one: Never stop for food when you're feeling bad about yourself.

Problem one: Construction. Why is there construction on every road I travel on? Just once this year I really wish I could just get somewhere without sitting in construction related traffic. I'm starting to despise those damn yellow cones nearly as much as my first ex-husband - and that is not easy. That man makes Lindsey Lohan look like a choir girl.

Problem two: The only places to get food without getting into more traffic is ... fast food.

My karma started working on me as soon as I pulled into that McDonald's driveway.

I ordered my angus burger and fries with a side of tartar sauce - because let's face it, if you're going to do it you may as do it right. The tartar was for the fries - a tasty little trick I learned in Paris (Yes, I can manage to eat garbage in a country known for the best cuisine in the world).

Of course, there was no tartar sauce in my bag when I got home.

But wait! Oh, lucky me, I have tartar sauce in my fridge!

Halfway through my "meal" I decided the tartar tasted - off. That's when the date on the bottle caught my eye.

That tartar had expired - in 2007.

Mistake two: Eating tartar and french fries. What is wrong with me??

That did for me. I deserved it. After being so good for days and days that's what I get for breaking down and eating high-calorie, zero nutrition filler.

I checked the rest of my condiments and I don't why, but I was shocked to find that some of condiments actually dated back to the Clinton presidency. In fact, I think some of them came into the house with that first husband.

I quit right then and there. I gave my remaining food to my two little dogs - they'd really been getting my nerves lately anyway.

Instead I ate mini tomatoes out of my garden. They were delicious; they actually tasted like food.