10 Reasons Not to Publicly Diet

1. People think it’s hilarious to make fun of others on diets. Sometimes they eat sweets in front of you while mocking an orgasmic good time.

2. You can’t eat any of the sweets on the community table left there daily to sabotage you.When your desk is directly across from said table of fatness, people who know you’re dieting still put carb-loaded goodness there and walk away smirking, shoving doughnuts greedily down their pie hole.

3. You have to exercise on a regular basis or feel like a loserslug doomed to be PHAT forever, thinking about all the ways you’ve failed in life, like the time you peed your pants in kindergarten.

4. Even beer calories count — nearly ruining the fun of drinking.

5. Other, less PHAT people, use your weight as a measure of their own bodies and feel better about themselves. To hell with them.

6. Everyone has an opinion on weight loss and they want to tell you about it. Every idea you hear contradicts the one you heard before. It is a huge time suck.

7. You must constantly weigh yourself and measure the fit of your clothes to gauge any weight loss. Weight loss, however, is the most patient of all things and does not happen quickly, or ever, in some (my) cases.

8. People measure you with their eyes and look away either disappointed or smug. Neither is the way you want people to look at you.

9. Non-dieting people do not want to know about your diet, which is miserable since it’s the only thing in your mind 24/7. Food and exercise become a much more all encompassing issue like 10,000 mosquito bites on your back.

10. When publicly dieting you can’t quit until you’ve reached the goal you publicly stated, which is why I’m going to start telling people my goal was only two pounds – until they believe me.